You found my website DontFightAboutIt.com because you are interested in how to divorce in a respectful and dignified manner. Despite what you hear from others, it is possible. You and your spouse once made serious commitments to one another. You did it because you respected one another. If you believe you can honor that respect, then you are ready for the collaborative process. I, Barbara Bartlett, would be pleased to represent you in that collaborative divorce if you are in the Tulsa area. For more information see About Us

If you find it hard to honor that respect you once shared, this still does not rule out the collaborative process. Are you a fair person? Are you willing to make a full disclosure of your assets and income? Will you follow the Ground Rules for the Collaborative Process? If you believe you can, then I still believe we can make it work.

Anger and hurt are normal feelings. You may think that “taking it to court” will punish your spouse. But that is not a good solution. It is hard for me to describe how humiliating and degrading a litigation divorce is for both of you if you have never been though a divorce trial. Nobody is perfect and your faults will be magnified and exploited in a trial. No matter what “lesson” you want to teach your spouse for having “done you wrong,” I can guarantee you will not succeed. No one learns a lesson when they are under attack. They just get angry.

The family court is not in the business of punishing people. The divorce judge just wants to divide your assets and kids and send you down the road. Tulsa judges have an expression they use: they have not done their job unless both of you are unhappy. A judge would be the first to tell you to settle your divorce outside of court.

Even if you “win” custody of your children or the deed to the house at a divorce trial, what financial and emotional price will you have paid by “taking” it rather than agreeing to it? There is little I can guarantee about your future if you choose to “go to court.” I can guarantee that you will be financially worse off….and stressed out.

In collaborative, I can guarantee you will have control over the outcome. Nothing happens unless you agree to it. The attorneys are skilled at helping you and your spouse see the common interest you both have. If the two of you need more information, we will seek out a neutral financial or child development specialist. All this is done in a safe, respectful, and private environment.

To get started collaboratively, you both will need collaborative attorneys. The ones in the Tulsa area who are trained in this process are at www.yourdivorcechoice.com. For a review of the process see What is the Collaborative Process.

The collaborative process is a new way for a divorcing couple to divide their assets, create parenting plans, and provide support. This method of divorcing is done in a private and respectful environment. The attorneys have undergone intensive specialized training to learn to investigate the needs of the family, determine what the common interests are, and build an agreement based upon those interests. No threats or demands are allowed.

The main ingredients of a collaborative process are:

• Hiring Tulsa Collaborative Attorneys: Being represented by a specially trained family law attorney is the key to this process. For a complete list of these attorneys in the Tulsa area go to www.yourdivorcechoice.com. Both you and your spouse will need to hire an attorney from this list.

• A commitment to the process: This occurs when both of you and each of your attorneys sign a participating agreement. See Collaborative Participation Agreement. The parties and their attorneys commit to the process by signing an agreement stating that they will not go to court. Of course, you cannot take away a spouse’s right to go to trial if he/she is determined to do so. The attorneys, however, in the collaborative process must withdraw from the case and require both the husband and wife to find new counsel. We find this is a great incentive for everyone to stay at the table and work things out.
• Disclosure: You will make a full and complete disclosure of all your assets and income. There are no hidden agendas. The process lives and survives on the fact that the two of you give respect to each other.
• Working from your needs rather than your wants: The collaborative process depends on each person being able to articulate his/her needs. You may already have an idea of what you want. Collaborative takes you to a broader realm where we brainstorm on how your needs and your spouse’s needs may both be met given the circumstances of the divorce. The result will be something you both can agree to.
• The focus is in the future: You may have a whole trunk full of things that your spouse did in the past which you think should make a difference today. Unless your spouse has truly harmed the children, and we are talking about significant harm which will occur in the future, then even though it might be difficult to do, that trunk stays closed. I know that this may be hard to do. Sometimes we ask for coaches who have a child development/mental health background to assist us in focusing on what is important in the dissolution of your marriage, and how to co-parent in the future.
• The work towards settlement: The work towards settlement is done in what are called “four-way conferences.” In the four-way conference, you and I will meet with your spouse and his/her attorney together. The meetings are usually 2 hour sessions. These are handled in a business-like manner. We have an agenda before we go into the meeting. We try to meet the topics on the agenda. Agreements are written up at the end of the sessions. If there is homework to be done such as assets to be listed, income tax returns to be analyzed, teachers to be talked to, etc., then there are homework assignments made for everyone. You still have your own attorney and may, therefore, have the advice and protection of that attorney. The process, however, is driven by the needs of the family and the clients. If you are timid and feel unable to talk about those needs, then we will prepare for the meeting until you feel comfortable. How many four-way meetings are needed until a full and final agreement is made depends on the parties.
• Result: No final document is created unless both of you agree to all the terms. The terms are based upon what you needed and what you were willing to do in order to make it happen. It is about respecting each other throughout the process and afterwards. It is a matter of being able to speak civilly with one another after you have ended your marriage. It is up to you to be a role model to your children on how to maintain your dignity and integrity through a difficult time in your life.
• Take the divorce: Once all the documents are signed, we make an appointment with the family judge in Tulsa, or your county of residence, to take your divorce.

1. Interest-based negotiating. You will express yourself in terms of needs and interests that you would like to realize.
2. No surprises.
   1. You have signed a binding agreement to disclose all documents and information that relate to the issues.
   2. Agendas and issues to be addressed at each four-way meeting will be agreed upon by the attorneys in advance of each meeting.
3. Focus. You will work for what you believe is the most constructive and acceptable agreement for both you and your family.
4. Communication rules for each four-way meeting.
   1. Do not interrupt when another person is speaking. You will have a full and equal opportunity to speak on every issue presented for discussion.
   2. Do not use language that blames or finds fault with the other. Use non-inflammatory words. Be respectful of others.
   3. Speak for yourself; make “I” statements. Use each other’s first name and avoid “he” or “she.”
   4. If you share a complaint, raise it as your concern and follow it up with a constructive suggestion as to how it might be resolved.
   5. If something is not working for you, please tell your lawyer so your concern can be addressed.
   6. Listen carefully and try to understand what the other person is saying without being judgmental about the person or the message.
   7. Talk with your lawyer about anything you do not understand. Your lawyer can clarify issues for you.
5. Preparation. Be willing to commit the time required to meet regularly. Be prepared for each meeting.
6. Patience. Be patient – delays in the process can happen even with everyone acting in good faith. The collaborative law process is much faster than litigation.

In our complicated lives, many things break. When a marriage breaks, most people seek a lawyer. But divorce is also an emotional and communication problem. When you have an emotional or communication problem, doesn’t it make sense to see an expert in emotions and communication?

Collaborative Divorce Coaches are emotional experts. They understand blame, guilt, fear and anger, which are all normal feelings when a marriage breaks. Those feelings can, however, be destructive if they pour over to your family relationships and your divorce.

The Coaches help you and your spouse move to a different level of communication to help the divorce process move quicker, less expensively, and less destructively. If you have children, the end of the marriage means a need for a parenting plan, and a new way to communicate that focuses on the children. The primary focus is empowering your family to grow individually and in their relations with each other. Your family is not ending, just restructuring.

You will have meetings with your Coach, and then with your spouse and your spouse’s coach. All of you will work with the Collaborative attorneys to address problems that may be keeping the collaborative process from moving smoothly.

For a list of mental health coaches that are trained as collaborative coaches, go to www.yourdivorcechoice.com

I hope you have found this DontFightAboutIt.com website useful. Don't fight about it. Use the collaborative process in your divorce. Maintain the respect your relationship deserves. Contact Barbara Bartlett for your divorce in the Tulsa area.